But a few of you (and you know who you are) want to know what my least favorite things about the Disney parks are. That is, not everything at Disney is perfect. Surprise.
Using the same categories as before (Ride, Show, Parade, Fireworks, Restaurant, Store, Character Location, and Mousellaneous), here are the things that I prefer to skip when I visit the parks.
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RIDE: Tomorrowland Speedway
This piece of shit is the biggest waste of time, ever. The premise behind it is...you drive a "car" around a "racetrack."
Ooh! Look at me! I'm driving super slow and making your blood pressure rise!
How slow? 7 mph. That's right, you're going around this track at a whopping 7 mph. And that's assuming the driver in front of you is moving...at all. So, it's basically a ride version of your morning commute to work, except most of the drivers are children.
I don't care if you're six. Fuck you.
It takes forever to get around the track...but first, you have to get to the bloody ride...it's normally at least a 45 minute wait, if not an hour or more. And there are a few spots of shade, but other than that, you're standing in the sun. Which, it's still 90+ degrees in the shade, so does it really even matter? You're still going to broil alive.
And no, there is no FastPass for this ride. So you're stuck waiting the hour as you curse your child for wanting to learn how to drive early.
SHOW: It's Tough to Be a Bug
I'm not a fan of 3D movies. Let's just get that out of the way. (They hurt my eyes, before you accuse me of being a chicken. I really like MuppetVision 3D and Mickey's Philharmagic, but lord, do I pay for it afterwards.) This particular show, however, is the worst one I have ever seen (that's still in existence). Based on the movie A Bug's Life, Flik takes us through the world of bugs and tells us why bugs aren't so scary after all. (Yes, keep telling my arachnophobia that...)
It's also in the Tree of Life, so unfortunately it draws a lot more people than it should.
When you first enter the actual theater, it seems innocent enough. It's lit, people are chatting and happy, and the screen is covered with pretty butterflies.
But then, you start to notice a smell. A faint, acrid smell that reminds you of poop and gasoline...or maybe your brother's socks after football practice.
Well, if you had paid attention to the posters, you would have been warned...
Yeah...part way through the show, you get sprayed with stinkbug funk. And the smell doesn't entirely go away in between shows...I feel sorry for the ones who come to the last show of the day.
Then, after Flik tries to convince us that spraying us wasn't a bad thing... enter Hopper, who somehow (spoiler alert) survived being swallowed by a bird.
ZOMBIE!
Hopper then proceeds to solidify your child's (and my) nightmares for the next few years. He throws out hornets at you. And you get stung. I'm not getting...they fucking sting you.
Not real hornets! Geez, you people are sick.
After that, Flik is just like "...get out, don't squish us." And I'm like... "I AM OUT OF HERE."
PARADE: Main Street Electrical Parade
The only good thing about this parade is the fact that Elliot (Pete's Dragon) is in it. He does a magic trick and confuses Guests of all ages that aren't me or Sprinkles.
Other than that, this parade annoys the hell out of me. It's not just the fact that it blocks all of Main Street with its crowds of curious people so you can't get through to anything on either side, or that it has some of the most annoying, repetitive music known to man. It just feels like it makes no sense.
What's the point? "Look at me, I'm sparkly?" Not exactly a great parade.
Here's the entire bloody thing if you care to listen.
Oh, god...the music...
FIREWORKS: None. All of the fireworks shows that they do are freaking awesome.
Illuminations: Reflections of Earth...
Wishes...
There are some on Fantasmic!...
And The Magic, The Memories, and You!, and Dream Along with Mickey...and they're all fantastic. Disney consistently gets its fireworks right.
RESTAURANT: Tangierine Café
This is a quick service restaurant in Morocco in Epcot. Plain and simple, it's the only restaurant I've ever eaten at where I felt ill afterwards while at the Disney parks. I can hear the naysayers going but that was just a one time thing! Sure, maybe, but now that I'm a bit older and know what food I like, I can honestly say that I don't really want to eat here again. I don't like stews, I don't like lentils, I don't like olives, I REALLY don't like onions, I'm not a fan of lots of sauce...I'm sure you can see the problem.
It's also not air conditioned. (Or, at least, the last time I stuck my head in, it was not)
And I don't know about you, but when it's summertime in Florida, I need to eat my lunch in a cool place.
STORE: Castle Couture
I'm sure the Disney execs will shoot me for this, but it's true. I do not like this store, not one bit.
If the name doesn't give it away, this is where you buy all of those expensive princess dresses that you see all the little girls wearing.
These will easily set you back a pretty penny. I looked around the internet and came up with a price of $65 for the Belle dress. I remember seeing a price of over $100 for one of them, though I can't remember which one it was. But why do I have such a grudge?
Besides the cheaply made/overpriced thing that Disney seems to love, there's the fact that children are the only ones allowed to come to the parks in costume (unless it's Halloween or Star Wars Weekend). I personally love dressing up in costumes, and I'd like to take it to Disney on just a regular day. But I'm not 7 years old or younger...so I can't.
And besides, those same pretty dresses are going to make your young princess broil alive...seriously, have you ever worn that much fabric in July?
Yeah, I'm bitter...I still don't like the place.
CHARACTER LOCATION: Pooh's Thotful Spot
In the Magic Kingdom, there is a place. A place where you can meet Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too. A place where the sun shines all day without rest.
This, my friends, is Pooh's Thotful Spot...in Hell.
There is a tiny bit of shade there in the early morning, but after that, the area is fully in the sun. As you can see by the first picture I posted up there, that's not an exaggeration - it is in the sun. And the wait, for whatever reason, always seems to be around 40 minutes or more. This is a great place to get sunburned and dehydrated, but it's not a great place to meet a character. It's just not.
MOUSELLANEOUS: Stitch's Great Escape
Aka. The inspiration for this whole article.
Stitch's Great Escape is a weird attraction. It's not a ride, and it's kind of a show, but not really...I took to calling it a multi-sensory attraction, because that's the closest I could get. Wikipedia calls it an Interactive Theatre, DisneyWorld.Disney.Go.com calls it a zany, madcap show and a multi-sensory experience. But it also says that it's "fun for everyone." Like Hell it is.
To give you an idea, this attraction used to be the ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter, where everyone's favorite chest burster (yes, THAT Alien) had his way with Disney Guests. It was explicitly stated that it was not for younger children, but we already know that people don't like to read when they go to Disney. Thus, people complained, and it was replaced with Stitch. Because somehow that makes it all better.
Yeeeeeah....about that...
It uses a lot of the same technology and tricks as before...but with a few additions. For example, Stitch steals a guard's chili/onion dog, eats it, and promptly burps in your face. The smell stayed with me for a week.
Also, since it's now Stitch (and everyone is warm and fuzzy from the happy ending of the movie), there are now more young kids going on this than when it was Alien! And there are plenty of adults around who weren't expecting such an intense experience. Therefore, this attraction is actually traumatizing more people than its predecessor! Go Disney! Keep giving us nightmares!
I should probably also mention that you are strapped into a single seat (you can kind of see the seats in that last picture)...and you physically cannot get out. So, when your kid is freaking out and crying out for your help, you can't get to them. You're both stuck where you are.
Sweet dreams.
P.S. This might be me, but when Stitch is "jumping up and down" on my shoulders....it hurts, like a lot.
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Oh, the negativity...that made me tired.
But at least you have a little more perspective. These are things I prefer to skip when I visit the parks, and yeah, I have experienced them all. But remember: These are my opinions. If you like Tangierine Café, then you can eat there. I'll be over at Yakitori House.
AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.
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