My Disney Bucket List

This is a meme I've noticed among other College Program participants. They list all the things that they want to do, either on their program, or at Disney in general. I figured, eh, why not.
So, here are all the things I want to do at Disney - not just during my program, but throughout my entire Disney career. Booyah!

1. Eat at every restaurant at least once.
Obviously, this isn't going to happen overnight. Between quick service, casual dining, and formal dining, Epcot alone has 28 restaurants. Magic Kingdom has 25, Hollywood Studios has 15, Animal Kingdom has 9. Thus, the four main parks alone have a grand total of 77 restaurants. This doesn't include any of the resorts or Downtown Disney or the water parks or anything else. But it shall happen! The menus look too good for me to resist.

2. Try Dole Whip.
Related to #1, a lot of people I've talked to go absolutely ape shit when I say that I've never had a Dole Whip. (Pineapple soft serve you can get at the Aloha Isle in Adventureland) They consider it betraying mankind to not have ever had Dole Whip. Dole Whip, Dole Whip, DOLE WHIP. Even the Judgmental Disney Nerd says it:

Thus, I shall have to try this miraculous Dole Whip.

3. Drink Around the World
At Epcot, there are 11 countries represented in the World Showcase - Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, the United States, Japan, Morocco, France, the United Kingdom, and Canada. In addition to having attractions that make you feel as if you are in other country, each pavilion offers its own unique alcoholic beverages. There is a challenge out there to drink one beverage from each country before moving on to the next pavilion. I would like to take on this challenge.

4. Meet Rapunzel
Of all the meet and greets I went to, Rapunzel was the one that I just didn't get to. It's a shame, really - she's one of my favorite princesses. I just never got around to saying hi to her. Thus, I'd like to meet her.

5. Complete the Ultimate Tours
The Ultimate Tours are special planned routes that get you to every attraction in a park in the same day. This includes rides, shows, parades, character greetings - you name it. These are intense challenges, but they look amazing. They would also get me into some shows I would otherwise avoid. It would be fun!

6. Learn to draw at least 10 Disney characters from the Animation Academy
As I've said before, I love the Magic of Disney Animation. It's one of my all time favorite things about the parks. I only ever attended the drawing class once though, when I learned to draw Ray the Firefly. I regret not going there more. So, when I go back, I plan on learning a lot more characters.

7. Buy a Figment t-shirt
There's one t-shirt in the gift shop for Journey Into Imagination With Figment. It was Figment purple, with a deliriously happy Figment on the front and the words "One Little Spark." (aka. The Figment song) I loved going in and looking at it, but I never bought it. Next time...it's mine.

8. Collect all of the Figment pins
Yes, I collect pins - specifically, Figment pins. I have one set of Figment pins already - the senses. I need to finish collecting the emotions - apparently, there are two sets of five. Do want.

9. See Fantasmic!, Wishes and Illuminations in one night.
Easier than you think. At certain times of year, Fantasmic! is at 6:30 pm. Illuminations: Reflections of Earth is consistently at 9:00 pm, year round. Wishes varies almost daily, so you have to look ahead for times and plan accordingly. But it's entirely possible.

10. The Four Mountains
Space, Thunder, Splash, and Everest - all in one day. Boom, boom, boom, done.

11. Four Parks, One Day.
I want to hit at least 2 rides in each park in one day. (Like, the Mountains for Magic Kingdom, the Tower and Rock-n-Roller Coaster at Studios, etc.) When I decide to do it for real, I'll post a more defined plan on here.

12. Work in all four parks
Thus far, I've had official jobs in two - Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. I trained a bit in Epcot as a Character Attendant. But I would like to be able to pick up shifts in all four parks - that would be AWESOME. Working for the weekend!

13. Character Hunting
That is, meeting all of the characters in one park in one day, including photos and autographs. I'm not doing all four parks in one day for this - that's impossible, even for me. But in one park? Entirely possible. You just have to know where to be when and be willing to hunt around and ask questions.

14. Participate in Gay Days
Shocker! But yes, I would love to participate in Gay Days...I was sadly working during the last round.

15. Top scores on Toy Story Midway Mania and Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin
I was SO CLOSE last time I went on Buzz Lightyear. I was only a few points away! It makes me sad that I didn't make it...but I will! Just watch me!

16. College Program Attraction Tours
These are behind the scenes tours of various rides and shows that are exclusive to College Program participants. This is another thing that I passed up on - and I regret this immensely. I'd love to see behind the scenes of the Haunted Mansion or the Great Movie Ride. Please?

17. Visit DisneyQuest
This is an indoor, interactive theme park in Downtown Disney. I went there years and years ago, and I remember it being completely of the charts epic, other than the whole "paddling into lava" thing. I kept meaning to return during my months in Florida, but I never got around to it. I need to go back though...I need to redeem my title of Pinball Queen.

18. La Nouba
This is the Cirque du Soleil show that is exclusive to Downtown Disney. I've only seen pictures and video clips of it - never seen the real thing. Hell, I've never seen a Cirque du Soleil show anywhere. Thus, it must be seen.

19. The Water Parks
I have not once in my entire life been to either Blizzard Beach or Typhoon Lagoon. (I hear Blizzard is the better one, but I'll pass judgment on that myself) I would love to be able to go and slide down Summit Plummet like a giggling child.

20. Halloween at Magic Kingdom
I found some very good videos of the Halloween celebrations at Magic Kingdom. More specifically, Hallowishes, the Halloween fireworks. It not only confirmed my suspicions that "Heffalumps and Woozles" and "Pink Elephants on Parade" are two of the creepiest songs that have ever come out of Disney, but it also made me scream with delight. Grim grinning ghosts, come out to socialize!
Ahem.
I also want to meet the villains. Just saying...

21. Collect all of the Disney Fastpasses
As in, legit Fastpasses. Not the ones that say "Not a valid Fastpass." As in, the ones that actually have a time on them. As in, I will have to go into the parks and collect Fastpasses that I don't use. Yeah.

22. Club Cool
I want to try every soda offered in Club Cool at Epcot. Thus far, I've only had Japan (yummy) and Italy (YUCK). But I want to try the rest.

23. Visit every Disney Resort
From the All-Stars to the Grand Floridian, I want to visit all of them. I shall take a picture of the main entrance of each to prove that I was there.

24. Do a "bored face"/"silly face" photo on every photo-taking ride
Normal, screaming faces are boring. You've got to do something that makes the photo memorable. And I want to make special memories for a family. :P

25. Hidden Mickey Hunt
I want to go hunting for Hidden Mickeys (with the booklet in hand). Nuff said.

26. Spa Day at the Grand Floridian
After a hard day of work (that makes your back very stiff and your skin all red and sweaty), a spa day sounds reeeeeally good.

27. Visit Mickey's Retreat
Basically, it's a fun little area with pools and sports courts and other fun things. It's a place for Cast Members to go and relax and not worry about things. I want to visit it, especially since it's literally right next to Chatham Square, one of the apartment complexes for College Program people.

28. Get picked as an extra at the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular
Ok, yes...I have done this before. And you know what? IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

29. Be on a ride during the fireworks
By this, I mean like riding Thunder Mountain while the fireworks are going off. That way, I can see them while screaming like a wee bern.

30. Rent a boat and explore Seven Seas Lagoon
Just paddle around, looking at all the lesser beings in cars...fun times.

31. Backstage Tour
I know that Disney offers a lot of backstage tours, like the Behind the Magic tour at Magic Kingdom. I'd like to go on it and learn what the Guests see and hear when they take the tour. You never know - I could learn something amazing to impress all you underlings with!

32. The Kitchen Sink
Because this seems to be on everyone else's bucket list, I'll add it too. The Kitchen Sink is a dessert served at Disney's Beach Club Resort. As you can see, it's huge and has more sweet stuff than you should ever eat in a single life time. It's designed for a group of people - but there is a challenge out there to eat it solo. I shall do it!

33. Explore the Wide World of Sports
Another one of those "Never been there" stories. I really don't have any idea what it is or why it's there, but I know there's a lot of testosterone involved. Either way, I want to go and check it out. Maybe eat some chicken wings...like a MAN.

34. Ride something at least 10 times in the same day
The closest I've ever come to this was on the Tower of Terror - seven times. Expedition Everest and Rock-n-Roller Coaster are tied for second, with six times. It'll likely end up being Tower, but I've heard other suggestions include the Haunted Mansion, Dinosaur, Test Track, Soarin', Mission: SPACE, and Star Tours. (Actually, Star Tours sounds like the better option, because it changes so often...)

35. See all the variations on Star Tours
If you missed the memo, Star Tours has been updated. Now the ride can change - you could go to Hoth, or perhaps Naboo. Maybe you'll get a message from Yoda, or maybe Princess Leia. Either way, there are many, many combinations of things that could happen. And I want to experience ALL of them.

36. Go on a Disney Cruise
YOU KNOW IT WOULD BE AWESOME.

37. Visit Disneyland
This really shouldn't need to be explained...beyond me wanting to ride the Matterhorn.


If I come up with any more, I shall let you know. But I think this is a pretty good bucket list for right now.

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

Attractive Attractions

The other half of my time at Walt Disney World was spent in Attractions. I personally was assigned to two attractions that I do not care for, and my work was significantly less fun. I'm now planning on returning to work there with my good friend Sprinkles. I began to wonder...what if I got sent back to Attractions? Would I be able to survive?

Well, it turns out that there are 4 attractions that I would be quite happy to work at. There are 4 rides I would, in fact, be over the moon to work at. And here they are! Hurray!

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4. The Haunted Mansion

The creepy house that sits in Liberty Square, this would be a lovely place to work. It is yet another air-conditioned attraction, always a plus. But the real draw for me is the macabre nature of this attraction. I love horror and supernatural and all things spooktacular. Ergo, this place would be perfect for me. Plus, you're not allowed to smile. Yeah, it's the one place in Disney where you can't smile. Yes please?

3. Journey Into Imagination With Figment

As I've said before, this is my all time favorite ride at Disney. I would go on it once a week, if not more - and I'm still finding it as entertaining and refreshing as the first time I rode it. I haven't memorized the song yet...but I'm working on it.
Why would I want to work here? Well, for one thing, it's air conditioned. Yay for air conditioning! In the middle of summer, air conditioning is vital for your sanity and your well-being. Second, as I said, I love this ride to death. Figment is cooler than you and you know it. Third, the costume includes a LAB COAT. How many places that don't involve blood and guts let you wear a lab coat?! Fourth, and this is slightly selfish on my part...Figment closes at 7 pm, a full two hours before the rest of the park. I could be out and done before the fireworks, when the buses get clogged with people leaving the park.

2. The Great Movie Ride

The underdog of rides from Hollywood Studios, this is a beautiful, 30-ish minute guide through some of the Greatest Movies Ever. Beside also being air conditioned, this is about as close to an Entertainment role as you can get without actually being in Entertainment. (If you've ever been on this ride, you know exactly what I'm talking about) And as I like acting, this would be really nice.

1. Jungle Cruise

Possibly the only amusement park attraction to be discussed in a Weird Al song, the Jungle Cruise is the Hurricane of Puns that floats along in Adventureland. Yes, it's outdoors and hot out, but dear god, the script makes me crack up. You get to be a Large Ham every day, and you get paid for it. Plus, the outfits are freaking awesome. I could look like Cindiana Jones again, as Push once called me.
Agent Skipper R...I like it.
Here it is...THE BACKSIDE. OF. WATER.

Oh, come on. I had to stick it in there.
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Yay for Attractions! I hope I get one of these if I get sent back to that department!

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

4 Magical Memories

One of the things that Disney is known for is making magic for its Guests every single day. Whether it be a free cupcake for a special Princess or introducing a Make a Wish family to their child's favorite character, we're always supposed to be making magic.
However, there are times when it's the other way around. Even if they don't realize it, there are some Guests out there who have made our days much more magical. It's those magical Guests who inspire us to keep going, it's those Guests we talk about years later, after we've retired.
And it's these special Guests I'm going to be talking about today. This post is dedicated to those special Guests who made my day awesome, directly or indirectly.

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4. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs

Now, it probably goes without saying, but Character Attendants don't get a lot of hugs. The hugs are all for the Characters. But for some reason, on this way, that changed quite a bit.
One day, I was Attending for Buzz Lightyear in Tomorrowland. For whatever reason, kids tend to go the wrong way when they finish meeting him, and so I always have to get down on my knees and direct them out the exit. The little boy I was directing on this day heard me calling to him and saw me kneeling on the ground. Next thing I know, he walks over and gives me a big hug.
I almost cried. He was so sweet, then he let go and went with his parents.
Granted, this could have totally been a fluke. But for some reason, this happened twice more with two other kids - another little boy, and one little girl. Every time, I would get down on their level to direct them, and every time, I would get a big hug.

It was awesome.


3. Marriage Proposal

Also goes without saying: Marriage proposals happen a lot at Disney. Sadly, though, I only got to witness one during my time there. The proposal I got to witness was when I was Attending Mickey and Minnie during their brief stay in Tomorrowland. I was at the end of the queue, keeping an eye on things, when a man came over to talk to me. He whispered to me that when he and his girlfriend got up to the Mice, he was going to ask her to marry her - could I just let the photographer know so he could be ready? I nodded, and after he left, I spread the word to the other Attendants, the Photographer, the Characters, and our Captain. We were able to get them some Just Engaged buttons, and by the time they actually got up there, we were all so excited we almost exploded. We all watched him (very nervously) get down on one knee and pull out...bride and groom mouse ears. It took her a moment to figure out what was going on...

But then, she said yes.


2. Make-A-Wish

Make-A-Wish families come to Walt Disney World all of the time. They come and go so frequently that after a while, as sad as this is, they all blend together.
However, I remember very clearly my first one ever. I was Attending Chip and Dale, and things were Business As Usual. I then saw the Make a Wish family headed my way. I asked them if they wanted to see Chip and Dale, and they said yes. I then redirected Chip and Dale's attention to them. (Before you ask: Yes, all Make a Wish families get front of line priority...for reasons that should be obvious).
Chip and Dale were so sweet. The child in question could barely move, but they both came over and gave him as much love as they possibly could. They also gave big hugs to the parents and the sister, making things as magical as they could. Then, we all noticed something. The boy was making puckering motions with his lips. I didn't understand it, but then his mother started tearing up and said, "He's blowing them kisses." I almost lost it, but I managed to keep it together and take a bunch of pictures for them.

It was absolutely magical.


1. Name Tag Girl

This is my number one story I like telling people. I sadly cannot remember the name of the girl involved, so she will have to be Name Tag Girl. Oh well...
I was working in Town Square (where Pluto and Daisy can usually be found). I was going along and chatting with the lines, trying to make the long wait more bearable. Along the way, a little girl caught sight of my pin lanyard and asked if she could see them. Of course, I got down and showed her my pins. She was oohing and aahing over all of them. Then, she caught sight of my name tag. She went crazy over it, pointing at the name tag and looking at her mother, saying "She has a name tag! That's so cool! I want a name tag!" I then told her about the Celebration buttons - these say things like First Visit and Happy Birthday and all that. As we were right next to City Hall (Guest Relations), I told her that if she wanted one, she could go over there and ask them to write her name on a button. Her mother then took the girl to City Hall while her father held their place in line. I went off to check on the rest of the lines.
By the time I got back, they had returned. When I walked by, the girl waved excitedly at me. "Look, look!" she said, pointing at her button. "Now I have a name tag! Now I'm just like you!" Her mother then asked me if I would take a picture with her.

Of course, I said yes.

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You know you love the magic.

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

My Not So Favorite Things

In my last post, I highlighted all of my favorite things at Disney. After all, I have to spread a little magic (and give you guys some perspective).

But a few of you (and you know who you are) want to know what my least favorite things about the Disney parks are. That is, not everything at Disney is perfect. Surprise.

Using the same categories as before (Ride, Show, Parade, Fireworks, Restaurant, Store, Character Location, and Mousellaneous), here are the things that I prefer to skip when I visit the parks.

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RIDE: Tomorrowland Speedway

This piece of shit is the biggest waste of time, ever. The premise behind it is...you drive a "car" around a "racetrack."

Ooh! Look at me! I'm driving super slow and making your blood pressure rise!

How slow? 7 mph. That's right, you're going around this track at a whopping 7 mph. And that's assuming the driver in front of you is moving...at all. So, it's basically a ride version of your morning commute to work, except most of the drivers are children.

I don't care if you're six. Fuck you.

It takes forever to get around the track...but first, you have to get to the bloody ride...it's normally at least a 45 minute wait, if not an hour or more. And there are a few spots of shade, but other than that, you're standing in the sun. Which, it's still 90+ degrees in the shade, so does it really even matter? You're still going to broil alive.

And no, there is no FastPass for this ride. So you're stuck waiting the hour as you curse your child for wanting to learn how to drive early.

SHOW: It's Tough to Be a Bug

I'm not a fan of 3D movies. Let's just get that out of the way. (They hurt my eyes, before you accuse me of being a chicken. I really like MuppetVision 3D and Mickey's Philharmagic, but lord, do I pay for it afterwards.) This particular show, however, is the worst one I have ever seen (that's still in existence). Based on the movie A Bug's Life, Flik takes us through the world of bugs and tells us why bugs aren't so scary after all. (Yes, keep telling my arachnophobia that...)

It's also in the Tree of Life, so unfortunately it draws a lot more people than it should.

When you first enter the actual theater, it seems innocent enough. It's lit, people are chatting and happy, and the screen is covered with pretty butterflies.

But then, you start to notice a smell. A faint, acrid smell that reminds you of poop and gasoline...or maybe your brother's socks after football practice.
Well, if you had paid attention to the posters, you would have been warned...

Yeah...part way through the show, you get sprayed with stinkbug funk. And the smell doesn't entirely go away in between shows...I feel sorry for the ones who come to the last show of the day.

Then, after Flik tries to convince us that spraying us wasn't a bad thing... enter Hopper, who somehow (spoiler alert) survived being swallowed by a bird.

ZOMBIE!

Hopper then proceeds to solidify your child's (and my) nightmares for the next few years. He throws out hornets at you. And you get stung. I'm not getting...they fucking sting you.

Not real hornets! Geez, you people are sick.

After that, Flik is just like "...get out, don't squish us." And I'm like... "I AM OUT OF HERE."

PARADE: Main Street Electrical Parade

The only good thing about this parade is the fact that Elliot (Pete's Dragon) is in it. He does a magic trick and confuses Guests of all ages that aren't me or Sprinkles.

Other than that, this parade annoys the hell out of me. It's not just the fact that it blocks all of Main Street with its crowds of curious people so you can't get through to anything on either side, or that it has some of the most annoying, repetitive music known to man. It just feels like it makes no sense.

What's the point? "Look at me, I'm sparkly?" Not exactly a great parade.

Here's the entire bloody thing if you care to listen.

Oh, god...the music...


FIREWORKS: None. All of the fireworks shows that they do are freaking awesome.

Illuminations: Reflections of Earth...

Wishes...

There are some on Fantasmic!...

And The Magic, The Memories, and You!, and Dream Along with Mickey...and they're all fantastic. Disney consistently gets its fireworks right.


RESTAURANT: Tangierine Café

This is a quick service restaurant in Morocco in Epcot. Plain and simple, it's the only restaurant I've ever eaten at where I felt ill afterwards while at the Disney parks. I can hear the naysayers going but that was just a one time thing! Sure, maybe, but now that I'm a bit older and know what food I like, I can honestly say that I don't really want to eat here again. I don't like stews, I don't like lentils, I don't like olives, I REALLY don't like onions, I'm not a fan of lots of sauce...I'm sure you can see the problem.

It's also not air conditioned. (Or, at least, the last time I stuck my head in, it was not)

And I don't know about you, but when it's summertime in Florida, I need to eat my lunch in a cool place.


STORE: Castle Couture

I'm sure the Disney execs will shoot me for this, but it's true. I do not like this store, not one bit.
If the name doesn't give it away, this is where you buy all of those expensive princess dresses that you see all the little girls wearing.

These will easily set you back a pretty penny. I looked around the internet and came up with a price of $65 for the Belle dress. I remember seeing a price of over $100 for one of them, though I can't remember which one it was. But why do I have such a grudge?
Besides the cheaply made/overpriced thing that Disney seems to love, there's the fact that children are the only ones allowed to come to the parks in costume (unless it's Halloween or Star Wars Weekend). I personally love dressing up in costumes, and I'd like to take it to Disney on just a regular day. But I'm not 7 years old or younger...so I can't.

And besides, those same pretty dresses are going to make your young princess broil alive...seriously, have you ever worn that much fabric in July?

Yeah, I'm bitter...I still don't like the place.


CHARACTER LOCATION: Pooh's Thotful Spot

In the Magic Kingdom, there is a place. A place where you can meet Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too. A place where the sun shines all day without rest.

This, my friends, is Pooh's Thotful Spot...in Hell.

There is a tiny bit of shade there in the early morning, but after that, the area is fully in the sun. As you can see by the first picture I posted up there, that's not an exaggeration - it is in the sun. And the wait, for whatever reason, always seems to be around 40 minutes or more. This is a great place to get sunburned and dehydrated, but it's not a great place to meet a character. It's just not.

MOUSELLANEOUS: Stitch's Great Escape

Aka. The inspiration for this whole article.

Stitch's Great Escape is a weird attraction. It's not a ride, and it's kind of a show, but not really...I took to calling it a multi-sensory attraction, because that's the closest I could get. Wikipedia calls it an Interactive Theatre, DisneyWorld.Disney.Go.com calls it a zany, madcap show and a multi-sensory experience. But it also says that it's "fun for everyone." Like Hell it is.

To give you an idea, this attraction used to be the ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter, where everyone's favorite chest burster (yes, THAT Alien) had his way with Disney Guests. It was explicitly stated that it was not for younger children, but we already know that people don't like to read when they go to Disney. Thus, people complained, and it was replaced with Stitch. Because somehow that makes it all better.

Yeeeeeah....about that...

It uses a lot of the same technology and tricks as before...but with a few additions. For example, Stitch steals a guard's chili/onion dog, eats it, and promptly burps in your face. The smell stayed with me for a week.

Also, since it's now Stitch (and everyone is warm and fuzzy from the happy ending of the movie), there are now more young kids going on this than when it was Alien! And there are plenty of adults around who weren't expecting such an intense experience. Therefore, this attraction is actually traumatizing more people than its predecessor! Go Disney! Keep giving us nightmares!

I should probably also mention that you are strapped into a single seat (you can kind of see the seats in that last picture)...and you physically cannot get out. So, when your kid is freaking out and crying out for your help, you can't get to them. You're both stuck where you are.

Sweet dreams.

P.S. This might be me, but when Stitch is "jumping up and down" on my shoulders....it hurts, like a lot.

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Oh, the negativity...that made me tired.

But at least you have a little more perspective. These are things I prefer to skip when I visit the parks, and yeah, I have experienced them all. But remember: These are my opinions. If you like Tangierine Café, then you can eat there. I'll be over at Yakitori House.

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

The Life of a Character Attendant

*~*WARNING: If you don't want any of the magic ruined for you, LEAVE NOW. This article contains major Magic Destruction*~*

As I've mentioned before, one of my jobs at Walt Disney World was that of a Character Attendant.

One of these guys.

But never gone into much detail about what that job actually is. I personally thought it was self-explanatory - I attended to the Characters. But my good friend Sprinkles pointed out "I don't know how this shit works."
I guess I need to explain exactly what I did.
Well, Sprinkles, this is what a Character Attendant does.

8. Information Central

Much like the other Cast Members, you are expected to be a walking encyclopedia of knowledge about the Parks and Disney in general. You have to be able to tell someone where something is, when something is, what it is and why it is. Not only that, you're expected to always carry copies of maps and times guides, just in case you run into that Guest who hasn't read one of my previous posts. That's why it's good to experience attractions and restaurants yourself during your off days - that way, you'll know that while The Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor is an awesome, family-friendly, air-conditioned show, Stitch's Great Escape is a cage of horrors that you can't escape until Disney says so. It's also handy for you to know other Character times and locations - that can distract Guests when you have to take your own Character away.

7. Getting the Line to Move

You've all been there. You've wanted to see Mickey Mouse, but the line was out the door and into the harbor. Buzz Lightyear, Woody and Jessie, Stitch, the Princesses - they've all got long lines. And as the Character Attendant, it's my job to help that line move as fast as possible. That's why we're always walking the length of the line (if we can) and telling people to have all cameras turned on (and on the correct settings), to have all autograph books and pens open and set, and if they have a Photopass card, have it ready to hand off. We understand that it can get a little repetitive, especially if you have one of those kids that wants to meet every single character, but that's only to help everyone see the characters as quickly as possible. We also sometimes have to literally encourage the line to move up, especially if there are shady spots in a queue that is typically very sunny. That not only keeps the line moving, but it helps us as well - we can estimate wait times better.

6. Time Management

This is perhaps the biggest task of all Character Attendants. All Characters have to be on and off at certain times for their health and sanity. Your job is to keep an eye on the time and make sure that those times are met. This is also the other reason why you're telling everyone in the queue to have everything ready to go by the time they get up to the Characters. Remember: If the character has to be gone by 6 p.m., it's your bloody job to make sure that they are gone by 6 p.m., no matter how many people you have waiting. This is also why you should communicate often with your Character - they can speed up or slow down depending on your needs. You just need to let them know what you need them to do.

5. Directing and Taking Pictures

If you're not good at taking pictures, you'll get good really fast. Typically, the Photopass Photographer will take pictures, but there are a few Characters out there that do not have one. There are also times when a family or group will have a lot of cameras. Thus, you're going to help taking the pictures. Feel free to suggest poses, and keep an eye out for anything that you can't take a picture of. Example: If someone's wearing an explicit shirt, have them cross their arms or stand sideways. If it's a girl in a bikini top, for the love of God, have her facing the camera. You also get to make strange noises in hopes that the three-month-old who has no idea what's going on will look at the camera.

4. Pin Trading

This is how I first tasted the crack. For those who Pin Trade, you know exactly what I'm taking about. For those who don't, Pin Trading is exactly what it sounds like. You trade pins that have different Disney characters, movie images, etc. There are several sets of pins you can buy...but then there are the Collector's Pins which you cannot. You can only get them by trading with a Cast Member. (i.e. My personal collection of Figment pins. YOU CAN'T BUY THOSE)
Ahem.
All Character Attendants are issued a lanyard. While you're walking your line, you will always have some kid (or adult) go "Hey! Can I see your pins?" Why yes, little child, you can. And as a Cast Member, you have to trade with them - unless they try to give you a pin you already have.

3. Story Telling

"Buzz Lightyear's going to check in with Star Command! But don't worry - he'll be right back! Just stay in line."
"Mickey's going for a quick bite of cheesecake. He'll be right back, though. Don't you worry!"
"Stitch is heading back to Hawaii. He has a big luau to get ready for!"
And no, they are NOT going for a potty break.
As I said, Characters have to be on and off at certain times. This doesn't just mean they have to be on at 11 am and off at 7 pm. (Dear lord, I Attended Buzz Lightyear way too much...)
During the winter months, there are two people playing a Character. One goes out for 30 minutes, and then they switch. The switch generally only takes a minute, but it makes Guests panic. That's why, about five minutes ahead of time, an Attendant walks the line and tells the Guests a reason why the Character is leaving. And when it is time to go, reassure the next family that the Character will in fact be coming right back - it will only be a few minutes. Be prepared to dodge a few punches when you do this.
The other time you get to tell stories is when you close the line. Definitely have some bloody good stories for this - this is REALLY when Guests get angry. That's why you always have a Captain and/or a Manager helping you....some people just don't want to hear that they can't see Winnie the Pooh today.

2. The Gritty Backstage Stuff

Ok, here's the secret: Character costumes can be notoriously difficult to put on. Most of them at least require a second set of hands to zip it, but others require tucking, clipping, or other forms of adjustment. Guess who helps them put it on?
Yep, that would be you. And it doesn't matter how sweaty or gross the costume becomes as the poor soul stands in the sun and signs books. You still have to help them. How gross does it get?
The worst one for me was Tigger, even though I did it hundreds of times. There's an orange and white flap that hangs from his head, and it requires being tucked into the main body of the costume so it doesn't hike up or pop out during the set. How does one perform the Tigger Tuck? You reach up underneath the person's arms and pull down. As in, your arms meet up with their armpits. Think about it.
You're welcome.

1. Attend to the Characters...Or ELSE.

I'm not being funny here. This is your number one, super most important task. You must attend to and take care of your Characters. Keep at least one eye on them the whole time. If there is a costume malfunction, you have to get it fixed. If a Character gets sick or injured, you have to get them off set and find them some help. You have to communicate back and forth - let them know how much time is left in their set, tell them if there's a little kid somewhere they can't see (like right in front of them). Direct them to which camera is taking the picture. Let them know if something spills or it starts raining or thundering. Believe me, they appreciate it when you actually take care of them.

And that's what we do as Character Attendants. Glamorous work, no?

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

13 Pieces of Disney Nightmare Fuel, Part 5

You know what, you're all adults. You know how to find the rest of the list.
With that said...here is the number one film.

1. Pinocchio (1940)
Yep, Pinocchio. Oh yes.
If you can't remember, Pinocchio had a grand total of 5 villains/antagonists. I'll use each of them to carry us through the nightmare fueled journey.

First up, we have Honest John and Gideon.

These two find Pinocchio on his way to school and convince him to follow them. They enthrall him (well, John does) with tales of being an actor and lure him away. Obviously, they have no intent to keep him. They sell him to Stromboli, the extremely greedy puppet master.

He forces Pinocchio to put on shows, threatening to make him firewood if he doesn't comply and locking him in a cage when he isn't performing. Thankfully, with the help of the Blue Fairy, Pinocchio escapes.
Back to our first two. They're out celebrating their cash haul when they run into villain #4, The Coachman.

He hires them to kidnap "stupid little boys" and bring them to Pleasure Island for him. Ignoring the pedophilic implications, they agree, because money makes everything ok. And because the Coachman makes this face:

Now, what happens to the boys on Pleasure Island? Well, they run amok: They can smoke, drink, gamble, and break shit without any adult supervision whatsoever. They essentially act like jackasses...

Oh, shit...

They get turned into literal jackasses.


But Pinocchio escapes one again, and returns home, only to find his father gone. The Blue Fairy informs him that his father has been swallowed...

...by this guy.

Meet villain #5: Monstro the muthafucking...whale? What kind of whale is THAT?!

Yeah. This guy swallowed Pinocchio's dad. And Pinocchio too, shortly after. This is the stuff of nightmares, man...Pinocchio couldn't even say Monstro's name without the other sea critters scattering to the sea breeze.

Yeah.

And there you have it. I'm going to bed.

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.

12 Disney Animals That Are Cooler Than You

With the release of Tangled, the Walt Disney Animation Studios released its 50th animated feature film. Over the years, the princesses, pirates, and emperors-turned-llamas have dominated the box office.

However, I personally prefer a different kind of character. I prefer the super-badass animals that have been unleashed on the world. (Although, llamas do make everything better)

Criteria for my list-

They have to be 100% animal - so Kuzco (The Emperor's New Groove) and Phil (Hercules) are out.

They have to be a character in the Disney Animated Canon - so Roger Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) and Elliot (Pete's Dragon) are out.

They have to coexist with humans - Robin Hood is out.

With that said, here is my list of the 11 coolest Disney animated animals.

And yes, they are cooler than you.

12. & 11. Meeko and Flit (Pocahontas)

Meeko and Flit are the two animal sidekicks of Pocahontas. Meeko is the fuzzy, hyperactive raccoon who likes stealing biscuits from pretty boy John Smith. Flit tends to take an ill view of Meeko's activities, chirping (yes, a hummingbird who chirps) angrily at him instead. However, both are fiercely loyal to Pocahontas, sticking by her as she runs through the forest and goes over a waterfall. They follow her to England in the sequel and attempt to reassure her when Smith is slated for execution. They never, ever - not once - give up on her. Plus, how can you not adore these faces?

Exactly.

10. Cri-Kee (Mulan)

Cri-Kee is Mulan's lucky cricket. Her grandmother gives him to her as a gift before she goes to the matchmaker. Thanks to Cri-Kee, she gets hitched and they all live...oh, wait. He sets up a domino chain that ends with the Matchmaker's behind on fire and a potful of tea in her face.

When you look back, though, you see that this was probably deliberate. After all, the look on his face when he escaped the cage said, "Fuck this, let's dance."

He also has plenty to say to Mushu when he implies that Cri-Kee isn't lucky. Mushu interprets his chirps as being "sucker"...but I think he mistranslated one letter.

As it turns out though, Cri-Kee is pretty lucky. After all, had things gone better at the Matchmaker's, Mulan would have been married and shut away to someone she probably didn't even like...and her country completely taken over by the Huns. But that didn't happen - she's now the Hero of China, and she's with a man she loves and who loves her. All because of a little cricket.

9. & 8. Trusty & Jock (Lady and the Tramp)

Trusty the Bloodhound and Jock the Scottish terrier are Lady's two best friends at the beginning of the movie. Jock is shown to be a bit grumpy at times, but generally very loving. Trusty is a former law enforcement dog with incredible manners. Both dogs love Lady very much and are willing to stand by her through anything. Both of them offer their homes when Jim Dear and Darling seem to be neglecting her. This especially comes through after Lady comes back from the pound and Tramp tries to talk to her. It's made very clear that at Lady's word, they would tear Tramp apart for hurting her.

The true Crowning Moment of Awesome for these two (ok, mostly for Trusty), though, comes towards the end of the movie. After Tramp is shipped off to the pound, it's revealed that Tramp was protecting the baby from a rat. Trusty and Jock immediately set off after him. After Trusty turns out to still have a sense of smell, he tracks down the pound wagon (through water, no less), he sacrifices himself and throws himself in front of the horse to stop the wagon. Jock sits next to his friend and howls mournfully, making everyone watching feel like shit.

Don't worry though. He gets better.

Then they become Uncle Jock and Uncle Trusty! Yay!

7. Dodger (Oliver & Company)

Oh, come on. You knew Dodger would be on here.

The shades, the fancy piano playing, the way he charms the ladies...Dodger is so cool it almost hurts. He's also voiced by Billy Freakin' Joel. (Big surprise, right?)

Don't worry, there's a lot more to him than just shades and music. He will protect Fagin (his owner) and the members of the gang with his life, later including little Oliver in this circle. Towards the end, he almost dies fighting off Sykes's pair of Dobermans to protect both Oliver and Jenny.

Cool, dawg. Cool.

6. & 5. Bernard and Bianca (The Rescuers/The Rescuers Down Under)

YES, Bernard and Bianca are cooler than Dodger.

At the beginning of the first movie, Bianca is working for the Rescue Aid Society as an agent, Bernard is a janitor. Bianca is regarded as the most beautiful mouse in the Society - when she starts singing along with the Society's anthem, every head in the place turns towards her. Clearly, she's got her pick when it comes to men/partners. Then, when she hears the mission to rescue Penny, she immediately volunteers for the assignment. Even though the chairman (chairmouse?) strongly advises against her taking it, she continues pushing until she gets the assignment. On the condition that she chooses another agent to go with her.

And she does - she chooses Bernard. That's right - instead of choosing one of the other agents, she chose the janitor who made her laugh.

Throughout the two movies, Bianca maintains a cool head, acting as the voice of reason for the both of them.

Ok, fine. Now, how does Bernard fit into all this?

I'm sure most of you remember him as a scared, bumbling mouse with a few shining moments shared by Bianca. Clearly, none of you saw the sequel.

As of the sequel, Bernard and Bianca have been dating for some time now, and Bernard is trying to propose to her when they get sent on a mission on Australia. Upon arrival, they meet Jake, who, well...

Let's just say Bernard doesn't like the guy. Him roping a snake and guiding them through Australia's dangerous lands doesn't help things.

Later on, Bianca and Jake get trapped in McLeach's truck. Bernard, in an attempt to save them, ropes and controls a razorback.

One of those.

Still think Bernard's not cool? Just ask that razorback. (And Bianca - she said yes!)

4. Ray (The Princess and the Frog)

HE'S CAJUN, BRAH! Born and raised in the bayou!

Ray is one of the two animal companions Tiana and Naveen meet in the swamps of New Orleans (the other being Louis, the gator). Ray is a Cajun firefly who's spent way too much time watching soap operas - but that's ok. His sweet love ballad, Ma Belle Evangeline, perfectly sets up the love story that he crash lands in while also establishing that yes, Ray is in love with a star.

And...he's also a Big Damn Hero.

Later in the movie, Naveen is recaptured by Dr. Facilier and Lawrence, making Tiana believe that Naveen has left her behind. Ray deduces what actually happened, taking evidence to Tiana and telling her to run. Then he takes on the shadow creatures summoned by the Shadow Man...

Only to be knocked down by Dr. Facilier and crushed.

Don't worry, Dr. Facilier gets what is coming to him...but Ray doesn't get better. He dies shortly thereafter...

And then...

*insert deafening cheers here*

3. Basil (The Great Mouse Detective)

Box office flop? Yes. But it also had one of the coolest, most badass characters ever in the Disney canon.

Basil, an expy to Sherlock Holmes, is asked by a little mouse to solve the mystery of her father's kidnapping. Basil does everything you'd expect a mouse with an extreme attention to detail to do. And yes, he does play the violin.

His best scene comes after he (and Olivia and Dawson) get trapped by Ratigan in a death trap. He starts out in shock, feeling stupid for getting them into such a mess. Dawson pleads with him to snap out of it...and in record time, snaps out of it and frees them...all in time to pose for the camera Ratigan set up to capture their demise. 

Yes, he smiles for the camera intended to capture his death.

2. Maximus (Tangled)

Maximus, the kick-butt equine. He can fight with a sword or a frying pan, knocking your own weapon down in the process. He can track Flynn Rider all over the kingdom, and then some. He winds up in charge of the kingdom's guardianship, completely eliminating crime from the kingdom. In short, if this horse wants your ass, it will be his.

And yet, he's also compassionate. When Rapunzel asks him for a truce with Flynn for her birthday, he complies. He chooses to enjoy the festival with Rapunzel and Flynn, and he correctly deduces what happened when Flynn is captured and immediately winds up help.

In short, he's the cool dream horse every girl wants when they turn five and develop Pony-philia.

Sweet, isn't he?

1. Pascal (Tangled)

Go ahead, I DARE you to say Pascal's not cool.

Apart from Mother Gothel, Pascal is the only other contact Rapunzel has in her tower. He's her best friend for countless years, playing games with her, helping her bake, and even being a model for her sewing.

Without ever saying a word, he is able to tell Rapunzel (and later, Flynn and Maximus) exactly what he's thinking. He's the real reason Rapunzel came tame the horse, he inspires her to ask Mother Gothel to see the lights, and he encourages her to leave the Tower and live her dreams. Hell, he even breaks up a fight between Flynn and Maximus just by looking at them.

That's right. As powerful and awesome as Maximus is, Pascal can control him. 

Still think he's not awesome?

He's the one who trips Mother Gothel out the window in the end, sending her falling to her death.
Therefore, he's cooler than you. Deal with it.

And there you have it. 12 Disney animals that are cooler than you.

AGENT R IS OUT. PEACE.